The Shock
Three weeks ago, my life as I knew it downsized to a mere five hours. Let me explain. I’ve worked for the same agency for 23 years. I’ll call this agency ‘A’. My life has essentially been ‘A’. Day in and out, before my daughter was born, all the years raising my daughter, milestones, meeting and marrying my husband, and decades of life and memories, all have happened while safely and steadily employed at ‘A’. I had the opportunity to move from full time to part time two years ago. I needed to make the move due to my husband’s schedule, and after 21 years, simply needed a bit of a break. Even at part time, my passion for my career stayed strong. My work at ‘A’ is all I knew, all I know and all I really want.
Now I don’t have my career. Due to contracts, my position was cut to five hours per week. Should I be appreciative because at least I’m allowed five hours? Or, is this a way to gently push me out? I thought I had value, knowledge, purpose and meaning there. It’s hard to fathom how numbers mean more than humans. And perhaps, the value I believed to have had there, is only in my mind.
The Rollercoaster
I have lived the past 24 days on a non stop rollercoaster. It has made me nauseous and it has made me high. It has made me cry, express anger, and at times, some crazy motivational inspiration to do some crazy motivating things. I have never in my life applied for so many jobs as I have in the past three weeks. I feel like a maniac!
I just want my regular part-time position at ‘A’. I would even return to full time if that was an option. It has been very difficult accepting the reality. Even though this downsizing doesn’t have to do with my performance and value, it sure feels like it. It feels like a part of me died. In two months I’ll be turning 50. A huge milestone that seems less exciting now due to uncertainty. There’s enough uncertainty in life, yet I never thought my position at ‘A’ was one of them. Ultimately, there are far worse situations that could happen and I know this particular rollercoaster ride will eventually come to an end.
The Reality
I don’t live in a large metro area, so job options in my field are few and far between. I’ve had two interviews for positions that are somewhat relevant to what I do. One I haven’t heard a peep from after an interview three weeks ago. I am so hoping the other will pan out!
I have a wide variety of skills and knowledge I’ve developed over the decades at ‘A’. They are transferrable. I am open minded and confident in learning new things and jumping in. Do I want to at this point in my life? Not really! This time in my life I want to delve into my own interests and passions, not necessarily learn the ins and outs of a new job.
I’m trying really hard to stay positive. Our careers do not define who we are. But after doing something for so long, it really does give us definition. I now need to work a little harder to discover a little more about me, and to remember there is a sunrise to every sunset.
